7/16/26 - 6:27 AM
i've always struggled with dealing with any kind of problem. and with how i feel about myself it effectively made me working on "trying to change" stopped working. i now saw myself to be enough of a problem that it's almost uncomfortable to deal with. i don't know for sure if that makes sense but.

i think i have bpd. i used to be confidently sure and i'm honestly not anymore. but i think i do. i don't know. i do legitimately need to get help again. i stopped. and surprisingly it made everything get worse. it's getting easier to mask that but all that means is for everyone else, i seem fine enough when i'm not. ugh. my only outlet used to be a tumblr account i had centered around my bpd. but then everything crashed down. not in a like "in ten years i will be cancelled for this" way but just an emotional way for me. there wasn't even really a 'good reason' for it but it doesn't matter at the same time. i deleted the account and crashed so hard that i convinced myself nothing i've been professionally diagnosed with are true. i have a really really really fucked up sense of self. when people say to others that "you can't hate me as much as i can", they usually mean it slightly jokingly. i have a lot of issues to work through that have left me in a permanent state of self-hatred in a way that'd be called evil if put upon someone else.

and it feels cringe to put that out there. but it's true, yknow? like i said--i just need to get myself to get help again. there's no fixing any of this but containing or managing it would be an improvement.