What is a grog and why is it in my house?

Imagine a problem with me for a brief second. Nothing but a pure hypothetical.

Let's say you wake up one morning ready to start your day before going to work, school, a funeral, whatever. No big deal, the usual. Except that this hypothetical is present from the start. A 500-foot creature doing its best to stand at the end of your bedframe awaiting your... attention? Fear? Instructions? Honestly. I'm not sure. Regardless it scares the shit out of you. What do you do in this moment? Do you try to reach for a gun? I'm being serious. If a creature by design is already over 450 feet taller than you (as if you or I could ever dream of achieving such a goal.) and has already found a way inside your place of residence, do you think a gun or any type of weapon / method of elimination would work?

Okay, it's not a hypothetical. At least for me it isn't. grog doesn't know your location currently and therefore cannot find you. But it's fucking terrifying. It won't leave no matter what I do. One minute it absolutely despises me and the next it wants to be my best friend or something. At first I was moreso under the assumption that I had to have pissed someone off so bad that they willfully created something that breaks every convention ever put in place since the start of the universe to spite me. Except that on every radar, tracking device or spectrum, scanner, etc., I've hidden my location. And I never ever leave my house unless something on Earth fucks up that badly that I have to intervine. Well. That and if the council requires my presence. But after a lot of time spent dedicated to figuring out everything I can about 'grog', I've reached a lot of conclusions. This is me sharing my findings with the world.

Partially in the hopes it'll make 'grog' leave me alone.


It probably won't.

'grog' is a glitch in my system. I'm being serious. It took me days to figure this out and I so wish that was some kind of a sick joke. I have the system set up to "update Earth" as if it's a day-one release of your favorite video game. When it works, it works well enough. 'grog' is an example of when it doesn't work as intended. Back in September during a routine update session, I misinputed one of the flags for the update command. My computer still runs on UE-DOS (Ultimate Eric DOS) so I have to do things the old-fashioned way. There's two flags for the kind of situation I had run headfirst into. '/mp' is for pushing it down the main pipeline.That's the Earth you, me, and everyone else knows. '/bp' is for the backup pipeline. It's a massive safety measure given the amount of lives at stake. I'm not trying to harm the general public in any form. The problem is that pushing an update coded for the main pipeline down the other will result in problems I can't fix. Glitches aren't even the worst of it but I do what I can to try and prevent it. Every update is run through millions of simulations to determine the best and worst outcomes, total [potential] deaths, possible world-ending catastrophes, etc. When the system works, it works really well.

I mean, I still remember watching it happen in real time. Everything was going fine. Exactly as intended until it hit the lock check. The lock check is the system's "region lock" (minus the fact that I'm outside of all regions of the universe and multiverses). If it passes the check, it just goes through. But if it doesn't and if it's a small enough issue, the system can stop it before any damage is done. This update though was huge. Kinda found it funny to punish every single bigot by removing them from existence and sticking them into an inescapable tungsten cube. But as the check failed, the alarms started blaring and we were all rushing to figure out what the fuck was happening. . .

and then 'grog' exploded out of one of the council members and shot through the ceiling. None of us knew what they were or what this meant. The first thing I did was immediately restore the last backup. Nothing on Earth was affected thankfully but it did not get rid of them. I could only hope they weren't nearly as dangerous as... meef. But that's a story for another time.

...

grog is standing over me right now.

HELLKO I AM GREOG

...
Hello, grog.

CNAN YOEU MAKE WSHGFAT I SAYIDSANG YEGLBLOW PWALSEASE

Yeah, they can type too. Each one of their fingers are the size of a football field. They have destroyed every single keyboard I've had. I've had to buy thousands of them because they won't leave me alone. Do you have any idea how difficult it is trying to mass-buy keyboards when the closest shop is in the 15th dimension? And before you ask I eventually just got one for themselves. Custom made and it cost me my entire life savings.

YELLOW. NOPW

GROG!!!!!!

I had more I wanted to say but grog is just going to keep interrupting if I continue. It's best to end it here.

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